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What to Do When You Feel Like You Do It All

The Unequal Division of Labor and What to Do About It

One of the primary reasons I've heard women cite as to why they are seeking separation or divorce is the unfair distribution of chores. The division of household labor is a well-researched and well-documented topic. Studies show, that in heterosexual relationships, though men have increasingly been doing more household work since the mid-1960's, women still do more (Blair, 2013). There is a well documented "leisure gap," meaning that men spend significantly more time on leisure activities, and women spend more time on housework. (Liss, 2013) It's also well-documented that this inequality results in decreased marital satisfaction and poorer mental health for women. (Suttie, 2019) It's also well-documented that this inequality negatively affects women's physical health, career, job performance, cognitive abilities, and income. This multiplies drastically after the birth of children (Reicht-Stiebert, 2023).

I can attest I've see this pattern both in heterosexual and homosexual relationships, though most of the research available has been with hetero couples. In this article, I'll discuss patterns in relationships I've noted in my years listening to people. These are sweeping generalizations, and of course this won't apply to everyone. Thankfully, over the last 2 decades, I've witnessed increasing numbers of men shouldering more of the household labor and childcare. Many men I work with are active, caring fathers and diligent housekeepers. However, I still hear from the majority of women in relationships with men that they are tired, burned out, depressed, frustrated, and hurt that their partners don't recognize their burden or how much it's hurting them. Also in this article, I'll suggest websites and resources I find helpful. I'm not endorsing the products, and I'm not affiliated with the sites or products.

To clarify, household labor is everything it takes to manage a household and the needs of the people in it. It's often broken into 3 categories: emotional, mental, and physical. "Emotional labor" is the work of attending to others' feelings by sensing and anticipating needs or empathizing or taking the position of the other. For example, consider Jane and Joe (not real people). Jane knows Joe likes coffee first thing, so she sets up the coffee maker at night. That afternoon she remembers to stop by the pharmacy to pick up cough drops, because their son, John (also not a real person), is coming down with a cold. Emotional labor is time actively spent thinking about what others need. Many women spend a great deal of time considering the needs of their partners, their children, their pets, their co-workers, and even the cashier in the Aldi checkout.

"Mental labor" is the work of planning and remembering things. Consider Jane and Joe again. Their son, John, got invited to a friend's birthday party next weekend. Jane is expected to RSVP, keep track of when the birthday party is, decide what to buy as a gift, make time to go to the store to get the gift, remember to pick up tape for the wrapping paper, prepare the child for the party, and arrange transportation. When Joe says he "helped" by driving John to the party, Jane is exasperated that he thinks this is fair and equitable.

"Physical labor" is perhaps more obvious. It's the things you can see. Cleaning the litter box, dusting, vacuuming, picking up groceries, and cooking meals are all examples of physical labor. Though men tend to do chores like cleaning the gutters, it's important to note the difference between routine tasks that happen daily or weekly, and singular tasks that occur from time to time. Suttie writes, "It's important to distinguish between those [tasks] that are mundane and don't require a lot of effort or challenge—like doing dishes—and more challenging chores that allow for some autonomy—like putting together a new piece of furniture. People tend to be more depressed when they do the former, which (in many cases) are still considered "women's work."

Mental and emotional labor are considered "invisible labor" and women are more likely to engage in the "invisible labor" of the household (Reich-Stiebert, 2023), (Blair, 2013). Women disproportionately carry the "thought work" including things like tracking and maintaining inventory of household supplies, remembering and scheduling appointments, managing contraception - including doctor appointments, filling prescriptions, and tracking menstruation - meal planning, vacation booking, and executing birthdays, holiday meals and family traditions. Additionally, women are also more likely to take on the burden of reminding men to do chores (Blair, 2013). Often husbands who are "helpful" wait to be told what to do. (Reich-Stiebert, 2023)

If its been well-documented that women disproportionately do more of the 3 kinds of labor, its also well-documented that this has a negative affect on women's mental and physical health. I find this is the case for any partner in a same-sex relationship who disproportionately carries the load. In the journal entitled "Sex Roles," Reich-Stiebert asserts that because of the inequality in the division of household labor, "women experience more related negative consequences, such as stress, lower life and relationship satisfaction, and negative impact on their careers." Other negative effects include reduced capacity to exercise will-power, difficulty making long-term decisions, increased anxiety and stress, increased likelihood of making errors, and increased psychological distress." (Reich-Stiebert, 2023)

Unfortunately, I've found this to be true. More times that I can count, a women has sat on my couch (or been on my computer screen) crying frustrated and exhausted tears, expressing that she cannot continue to manage everything, that she feels like she's falling apart. On top of it, she feels badly that she isn't in a better mood for her husband and children.

It's no surprise then that, research shows women who carry more of the mental and physical load also report lower sexual desire for their partner (Harris, 2022). Harris, et al, write, "Specifically, inegalitarian divisions of labor are associated with sexual dissatisfaction, reduced frequency of sex, and, importantly, dissatisfaction with the frequency of sexual behavior. And this seems particularly marked for women."

Its important to note that in my experience these women still want sex, they just don't want it with their partner. Jane isn't in the mood, because she's exhausted, stressed, preoccupied, and mentally tired. She says, "I feel like Joe's a child, and I'm his mother." She feels little desire for him.

I find women's emotional distress comes not only from the mental load and stress of juggling so many things, but also from her partners' response when she tries to communicate her needs. I hear men respond insensitively, "She's the only one who cares about the house being clean." Other men become defensive asserting that they do things and feel unappreciated. "I mowed the lawn!" He exclaims. Or I hear men say "She nags me all the time."

The men in these relationships report feeling criticized by their female partners, and that no matter what they do, they cannot please her. For example, Joe loads the dishwasher, and Jane comes behind him, reloads it, and gives him a well-meaning Ted Talk on "How to Load a Dishwasher." When Jane insists that he do things her way, its unfair, leading Joe to feel inadequate and de-masculinized.

In our example, Jane feels defeated and uncared for. Joe feels criticized and unappreciated. In hopes of helping couples resolve the never-ending conflict over the division of labor, I have a few suggestions. These aren't meant to diagnose or treat any mental disorder or illness. If you'd like a referral for couples therapy, please reach out. I'm happy to help. 

 First, communication is essential to the functioning of any relationship, and good communication requires both expressing and listening. To effectively express feelings and needs, avoid saying things like, "You never do the dishes and pack the lunches." Instead try saying "I feel tired, because I'm responsible for so many things after work." This is called an "I-statement," and it focuses on feelings instead of blame. For more information about how to make effective "I statements" you can read an article written by Rosa Park entitled "How to use I Statements: A Clear Guide." Next, listen to understand, not to respond. This means when your partner is talking, quiet your mind, hear what they're saying, and when they're done instead of giving a rebuttal, reflect back what you've heard. It doesn't matter if you agree. If your partner is sharing a feeling, its real and needs to be heard. Try to imagine how it would feel to feel what your partner is describing. When Jane says, "I feel like I do everything! I'm so tired and depressed." Instead of Joe saying, "Well, I mowed the lawn yesterday!" he might say "I hear you saying you're tired and depressed because you're managing a lot." Jane feels heard and cared for. Joe understands and shows care for her feelings. For a how-to on this type of reflective listening you can look to "How to Practice Active Listening: 16 Examples & Techniques" by Amanda O'Bryan PhD.

My next suggestion could be called "Do What You Say." If Joe tells Jane he's going to paint the bathroom this weekend, and doesn't, the lack of follow-through erodes trust and incites anxiety in Jane, causing her to perpetually wonder "will he or won't he?" She then has to decide whether to ask again, risking being called a "nag." When in actuality, her "nagging" is anxiety caused by being let down by a broken promise.

Of course, things come up, and there are many other reasons why Joe might be struggling to follow through on tasks. Depression, ADHD, and a multitude of other variables can affect anyone's ability to function well. But as much as possible, try to be a person of your word, and keep your promises. It will help your partner feel safe. I've also found when men acknowledge that they haven't done something and give their partner a reasonable time frame for when it will be done, she tends to be understanding.

For a deeper look on the subject of division of household labor and what to do about it, I'd suggest a popular book and Netflix documentary out now called "Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)" by Eve Rodsky. I think its a helpful resource. Consider watching it together, and see what comes up. Rodsky also produced a card game available to help couples fairly distribute household tasks.

Lastly, I champion both autonomy and appreciation. By this I mean, each partner needs the freedom to execute tasks in the way they prefer and without criticism. If Joe folds the towels "wrong" but they're clean and in the cupboard, Jane should leave them alone. If she criticizes the towels, Joe is a lot less likely to fold them next time. Everyone likes to feel appreciated for what they do. Partners should make efforts to express gratitude, even for things that are "expected." A thoughtful "thank you" likely goes a long way.

To summarize, women disproportionately carry the majority of the household labor both mental and physical, and by doing so suffer numerous negative consequences. Conversely, men benefit from this unequal division, as they carry less mental load. The impact of this dynamic on women themselves and their relationships is undeniably significant. Its my hope with clear, open, and kind communication, well-intentioned partners can come to an agreement on the fair division of household labor, and by doing so, feel improved relationship satisfaction and overall well-being.

REFERENCES

-Blair, S. L. (2013). The division of household labor. In G. W. Peterson & K. R. Bush (Eds.), Handbook of marriage and the family (3rd ed., pp. 613–635). Springer Science + Business Media. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4614-3987-5_25

-Harris, E. A., Gormezano, A. M., & van Anders, S. M. (2022). Gender Inequities in Household Labor Predict Lower Sexual Desire in Women Partnered with Men. Archives of sexual behavior, 51(8), 3847–3870. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2

-Liss, M. (2013). Inequality in the division of household labor and child care: Causes, consequences, and how to change. In M. A. Paludi (Ed.), Psychology for business success, Vol. 1. Juggling, balancing, and integrating work and family roles and responsibilities, Vol. 2. Institutional equity and compliance, Vol. 3. Managing, leading, and developing employees, Vol. 4. Implementing best practices in human resources (pp. 19–42). Praeger/ABC-CLIO.

-O'Bryan, Amanda (2022) How to Practice Active Listening: 16 examples and techniques. https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening-techniques/

-Park, Rosa (2025) How to Use I-Statements: A Clear Guide https://www.firstsession.com/resources/how-to-use-i-statements

-Reich-Stiebert, N., Froehlich, L., & Voltmer, J. B. (2023). Gendered Mental Labor: A Systematic Literature Review on the Cognitive Dimension of Unpaid Work Within the Household and Childcare. Sex roles, 88(11-12), 475–494. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-023-01362-0

-Suttie, Jill (2019) How Unfair Division of Labor Hurts Your Relationship https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/itemhow_an_unfair_division_of_labor_hurts_your_relationship

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Sarah R. Adair Williams, LMSW